It is not unusual that after the funeral of our spouse, people start drifting away and moving on with their lives, while we are left behind.

During the four days of my husband’s wake and funeral services, I shook hands with or hugged at least 1,000 people. The Irish community really sticks together to show their support on such occasions. For a Mexican woman like me, it can feel overwhelming at times, as our funerals rarely attract such large crowds unless you are some sort of celebrity.

But about a month later, only a few people stayed around. Some of my friends texted me, giving me all sorts of reasons why they couldn’t call—if it hurt them so much or if they weren’t strong enough. Some, I had to comfort myself. Others didn’t call because they didn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable. The truth is that some people are just not prepared for a situation like this. They don’t have the experience or simply don’t know what to say. That doesn’t necessarily make them bad friends; they simply don’t have the tools to make us feel better and choose to put some distance. Others can’t cope with so much sadness. The problem is, this is the time when we most need our friends’ support.

Despite the big crowds at my husband’s funeral, I found that I could only count on a handful of people after the weeks went by. These were the people with whom I could talk for long hours, and they would just sit and listen. Most of the time, we don’t need answers or someone to fix our problems, but perhaps to vent, go out for walks, or have a coffee with. At least for me, the more I talked, the more I made sense of what had happened. I also discovered that, for some of them, I had to tell them what I needed. One person simply walked away from me, feeling frustrated that he couldn’t help. It wasn’t until I explained clearly that all I needed was someone to listen and not to fix me that he stayed around. Don’t be afraid to call your friends and tell them what you need from them; some are waiting for you to make the first move.

For a period of time, I also sought emotional support from my children. This was a big mistake. I found that I only got hurt if they rejected me. What I didn’t understand was that I was the adult, and they needed me instead. Children don’t have the tools to give us what we need. When I understood this, my relationship with them started to change, and they came to me, looking for my support instead.

Then, there is professional help. Realistically, it is likely that our core support will not be enough to get us through our darkest moments. Our friends are not trained to do this; they are only there to give us a helping hand. If you find yourself stuck in dark thoughts, feeling alone, or falling into severe depression, please consider seeking professional help. Professionals can help us come to terms with the loss of our loved ones and provide tools and techniques that will help us heal. However, it is up to us to decide to move forward. Not even the best therapist in the world can get us through if we choose not to move.